Wanting
by AnkoStone
Summary: Rika buys Saeran his first toy, but he doesn't feel like he deserves it.


It was only a glance. A lapse of judgement, a momentary mistake. Nothing was supposed to come from a fraction of an instant.

"You want a stuffed animal?"

Saeran flushed heavily, and focused his eyes on the ground. He and Rika were walking down an empty sidewalk, passing by stores and shops, not really looking to buy but Rika insisted that a walk would refresh any mind, especially ones that followed little tantrums.

Saeran hated being such a bad boy, but sometimes he couldn't help it. Sometimes his brain took over, and he had no control.

Still, he hadn't meant to peek at the toys that stood proud behind the glass of the toy store in town. It was small, but the toys were of well quality. Not that Saeran knew that. All he knew was that there had been a bear with a silly pink coat. He hadn't even thought to want it, he merely couldn't help but be drawn.

"No, Ma'am. Mommy said I don't get toys." Saeran said, justified in his words, though he knew Rika would argue. She always argued against Mommy's words. Saeran hadn't seen Mommy in a long time, but her rules haunted his mind, and he knew better than to disobey. He could be a good boy, even if sometimes he cried.

Rika loosened her grip on Saeran's hand a bit. They had been walking hand in hand, at her request. He wouldn't object though, he liked holding hands. Saeyoung used to hold his hand sometimes, it was a great comfort.

So to loosen her grip must have meant anger, and when Saeran looked up at Rika, he feared she was upset with his answers. Mommy had rules, but Rika had rules too, and one of Rika's rules was not to talk about Mommy.

"I-I'm sorry!" Saeran started. He felt a panic attack coming on. He didn't call them panic attacks, he thought they were asthma attacks. When he would have them at home, he would tell Saeyoung he couldn't breath, and that his chest hurt. Saeyoung diagnosed him as asthmatic, and Saeran was more than happy to agree.

He was about to tell Rika about his asthma attack, but was stopped when, upon looking up at her, she was smiling gently, and before he knew it, kneeling down to his level.

"I know you're sorry, you can't stop what you say sometimes." She stated, gently holding Saeran's chin. His lips grew wobbly. He hated Rika's disappointment more than anything. He would have rathered bit his tongue until it bled if it had kept her happy.

Rika ran her thin fingers through Saeran's hair. That always calmed him down. His breathing began to grow even, and though he wasn't feel as bad, he still begin to weep, the overall feeling of comfort to this level still so foreign and unfelt, it was sometimes hard to control himself.

"Shh, it's okay." She lifted Saeran up. He didn't like being held, especially when crying. Sometimes V held him when he would have tantrums and fits to keep him from hurting himself. Saeran hated it. He would rather hit himself than to accidently hit V. The process was effective, even if Saeran didn't know how to admit it. But right then, he didn't mind too much. He pressed his face into the crook of Rika's neck, trying to stop the tear flow, and hoping she wouldn't take him straight home as punishment. He wanted to stay on their walk longer.

Rika bounced the boy lightly, repeating a montage of positivity that only made Saeran more emotional. Rika was understanding though. People stared at the two. Saeran was older than his behavior let on, but sometimes that was hardly noticeable because of how small he was anyways. He was always thin and weak, so more often than not he could get away with it. But it could be especially evident when with Rika, her own frame being thin and frail as well. Neither of the two seemed to care or notice. Though Rika looked weak, she was strong, which enabled her to be able to carefully carry Saeran back the way they came. Saeran's legs wrapped around her body, and he began to grow quiet. He had noticed that she was taking him back the way they came, and he suspected punishment. And he knew, if you got quiet, even if it was hard, punishment was easier.

Only, Rika wasn't taking him back home. She stopped suddenly, and the ring of a bell made Saeran jump slightly as she opened the door to a store. He didn't move. His heart was practically in his throat with fear and anticipation. He didn't want to look up, afraid that his hopes might be smashed by the results.

Rika still continued to carry him, even managing to pull out her phone from her purse. She tried to move Saeran onto her hip, but he was simply too big, and he was too resistant, so she settled on keeping him to her front. She pressed the phone to her ear, and Saeran grew near silent to try and listen in, though Rika already expected that.

"Hello V, I wanted to let you know that me and Saeran are going to be a bit late coming back." She said, a smile playing on her lips. The store owner noticed their presence and peered at them, wondering what their intentions were.

"Is everything okay?" V asked, sounding concerned on the other end, clearly not getting the hints Rika was laying out.

"Mhm, Saeran has been such a good boy, I wanted to reward him with something." She explained. Hearing Rika say that to someone else, made the young child fill with pride as he reveled in the fact that Rika thought he was good, and not just telling him he was so he would do what she wants.

V chuckled, and Saeran huffed. Did V not really believe he had been good? But then again, it had been V that had found Saeran in the midst of sitting on the floor instead of the bed. Saeran insisted he prefered it, but it was another one of Rika's rules.

Rika gently patted Saeran's back before continuing on.

"So we'll be home late." She finally finished. Saeran was satisfied, but also a bit unnerved. He wasn't sure what he was to expect. He had never gotten a reward before, and surely never something so luxurious as a stuffed animal. Saeran wasn't very good at playing pretend, but stuffed animals didn't have to be alive to be fun. They were still huggable and you could dress them up if you wanted, and they couldn't complain about accidently pulling their hair or wearing clothes too tight. Saeran had never had a stuffed animal before, but he wanted one.

Not that he was willing to say so out loud.

"I love you too, V, I'll see you when I get home." Rika hung up the call, and readjusted Saeran so she could see his face. He was still a bit resistant, but eventually compromised by still laying his head on her shoulder, but not burying himself from complete sight.

"So, what do you want?" She asked. The boy remained quiet. Despite promises of things being okay, he could not be convinced so. He knew in his head that he could say he wanted the beautiful brown bear with the pink jacket. She wouldn't turn him down, and still he hesitated. He seemed to know that deep down, he hadn't really earned the reward, he was a bad kid sometimes.

"Saeran, you can have anything here, just point and I'll follow." Rika explained, her soft face smiling at the young child. He wanted to shake his head, say he wanted to leave. It was really something amazing that his wants were suddenly outweighing years of conditioning. That one toy was making Saeran question what he knew. He knew he was bad, and didn't deserve it. But God, he wanted it.

"Teddy." He whispered, barely above a whisper, Rika had to ask him to repeat what he had said.

"Teddy." He said again, a bit louder, though still with little conviction. "In the window, I saw the Teddy." That toy was what he saw first, and he couldn't remove his mind since. He didn't even want to think about other toys, because they were not that Teddy. He knew there were bigger and better toys, but he would never deserve them. But that Teddy he could have, couldn't he?

"The bear?" Rika said to herself just to clarify that was what Saeran wanted. When she asked about the toy to the shop owner, the elder Korean man smiled as if he had expected such events to occur.

"That's a special bear." The man said. If he thought Saeran was too old to want stuffed animals, he didn't let that on in the least as he told the boy the bear's background story.

"That bear has a mission. Of course, they have never been able to complete it, since no one has bought them…"

Saeran was usually not entertained by people who weren't Rika or V, especially not doctor's. Strangers would try and talk to him, and he would react violently, demanding to be let go even when he is not being touched, yelling at them when they try and dig deeper than a surface level conversation. Rika and V were even homeschooling him because they knew he would not be able to handle such a setting. But as the storekeeper rambled about the Teddy Bear's life, Saeran was silent. He hugged Rika tightly, but his eyes were fixated on the older man. Rika had never seen such concentration on the boy. She hadn't realized how much this treat could mean to him.

"When you take this Teddy home, you have to keep them safe. Their purpose is important, you can't let them get hurt." He said, offering the toy to Saeran. The boy's eyes was the only hint to his excitement, refusing to accept the toy from the man. Rika took it instead, and held it out to Saeran, who then happily took it.

The man chuckled slightly, straightening up. "Well, let's get everything checked out then, it seems the boy's joined the bear's mission."

Saeran didn't hear Rika's light laugh, or the exchange that took place between the two as she paid for the bear. He was too busy in his own thoughts, sifting through names for the Teddy, and where he was going to put them, and whether or not he would chose to play with it or not. He knew it wasn't real, and he knew he was bad at pretend. But he could try, it wouldn't hurt anyone.

"All ready, Saeran?" His name brought him from his thoughts, and the redhead looked at Rika, who was smiling at him with a newfound shine in her eyes that he hadn't anticipated. He should be the one smiling madly. He was content to keep his face buried in the bear's fur though, unable to let on about his joy. He gave a slight nod as his answers. Rika finally set the boy back down, her arms thankful for the release, before resting a hand on Saeran's shoulder and leading him towards the door.

Saeran walked out, being mindful of how he held his toy. Certainly not under his arm, where he risked dropping them onto the ground. He could hug it to his chest, but hugging was not something he was good at, and he didn't want the bear to know that, just yet. The decision was bringing great anxiety to him, and suddenly he stopped.

"You have to hold them." Saeran said, looking up at Rika, offering her the bear. Rika, confused, tilted her head to express such.

"What do you mean? The bear is yours, I don't want to hold them." She explained. Saeran gently pet the bear's head in thought, unsure where to go. If he held the bear, surely it would get ruined. Rika was the only one he could trust with such a precious thing.

But he didn't know how to say that, so he earnestly continued to offer the bear to her.

"Saeran…" Rika was still at a loss for words. His inability to hold onto the toy surely spoke to his trust issues and fear, and she desperately wanted to assure him that it was okay. He should hold tight to the bear, and never let it go. Afterall, it would never hurt him.

Saeran looked back down at they toy, his eyes welling up with tears. "I'll hurt them. I don't want to." He said. "You won't, you take good care of me, so you would take could care of them." He explained, suddenly overwhelmed with emotion once more. It took a great deal of self control not to throw the toy in his frustration, but he didn't want to hurt it. The bear had a mission, after all.

Rika bent back down, pushing red locks out of the child's eyes, showing off golden orbs that were wet and broken. This bear's purpose, of course, was to look after Saeran, to love him more than the boy could comprehend at the moment. Rika gently took the toy from his hands, but before he had a chance to look relieved, she gently combed the bear's fur with her fingers.

"This bear isn't with us to learn my story, they want to know about you." She said. "But, perhaps for now, we can share them. And when you're feeling sad or scared, they will chase away those bad thoughts, and when I'm feeling sad or scared, they can chase away my bad thoughts." She said. Saeran looked back down at the toy's light brown fur, thinking for a moment, before nodding.

"Can we share them with V too?" He asked. Rika smiled.

"Of course, I'm sure V could use the extra love." She said, before standing back up. In one hand, she held one of the bear's paws. "Everyone needs to be loved. And I bet this bear has it in them." She winked at Saeran, who cracked a small smile. He wiped away his tears, before holding onto the other paw. He didn't want to admit that he didn't want to share the bear's love with everyone else, he only wanted it to be them, and Saeyoung, wherever he was. He thought, perhaps they needed all the love in the world.

And perhaps now, he would be able to find it.


End file.
